(no subject)

[vyvyanx]

Argh. I rang my mother intending to tell her about the engagement, but I planned to build up to it slowly, so it would be less of a shock. So we chatted about Eastercon and my dad's new job, and I told her about my work and how I'd got new glasses, which I thought would please her as she's always going on at me to get my eyes checked...and eventually I mentioned G and she just burst into tears and refused to say anything else! I couldn't really tell her I was engaged to him after that, so the conversation ended there. Now what am I supposed to do?

Comments

[meirion.livejournal.com]

did your parents ever get around to sending you that letter they said they were going to write to you ? if not, that might be what's upsetting her ? who knows ... much sympathy anyway.

and, in fact, writing *them* a letter might have to be the way you tell them if they refuse to talk about G. ...

-m-

[vyvyan.livejournal.com]

No, they never sent me that letter, they emailed me saying they'd decided not to send it at all and I should just forget all about it. Which is not so easy, especially when my mother is still obviously so bothered by something.
I'm wondering if I should go and see them in person; maybe my mother doesn't want to talk about difficult things on the phone. Oh dear, this is all very hard. Thanks for sympathy.

[kaet.livejournal.com]

I don't know what to do, but I think I can see why your mum might have acted like that. I don't think it's because she's not happy but because it's such a shock, and she's perhaps worried and scared. I think my mum might act similarly. It's, at least symbolically, a weakening in the mother/child thing and subconciously she might take that for an insult (I mean more in the sense of a physical "inuslt" like a punch than the emotional usual meaning).

You didn't have brothers or sisters, so this analogy is going to be a bit weird: If you imagine you had, I dunno a cat you looked after, say, that after many many years came around and 'said' (I said it was weird) that it had found a cat it's going to have feed it and look after it and pet it most of the time, but will pop around occasionally, that might be upsetting, even though you were happy for it. Another step again beyond fending for itself, it might feel a bit like that all that time the cat used to come back to you when it was emotionally in need, but now it might base its emotional security elsewhere.

I think that afterwards she might be worried that the way the call ended meant left things awkwardly between you, but feel too emotional to speak to you in person. So if it were my mum, I'd probably email, text, or write to her saying just something like "I hope you're alright, I realise it was a shock, do you want to mail me, or perhaps I should write what I'm feeling right now.... I hope you're not too upset, I didn't want to make you unhappy."

Or something like that. Note that I'm not recommending this, just that I think it might be the sort of thing I'd do. But parents are all different. :)

I don't know if this helps at all.

[kaet.livejournal.com]

Sorry, I reread that and it sounds partronising. I didn't mean it to.

[vyvyan.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this, it's not at all patronising, don't worry. But perhaps you've got the impression that I actually managed to tell my mother I'm engaged ... I didn't get that far, I just _mentioned_ G and she burst into tears. She wouldn't say what was the problem at all, though I think she's worried that if she tells me what she feels, I'll refuse to talk to her and my dad any more. Which isn't the case at all, but I don't seem able to convince her of that.
Re the mother-daughter separation thing, I think she felt quite upset about that when I first went away to university, but that was ten years ago; she's had plenty of time to get used to me not being emotionally reliant on her. I really can't understand what their problem is - it's strange, I always used to know exactly what my mother thought and how she would react to things, but now she's really taken me by surprise.