(no subject)

[vyvyanx]

How strange my life seems to me sometimes. I find it so hard to remember the feeling of my previous forms of existence; it is as though they were films I saw or books I read; as though they happened to a close friend. My life with former partners seems strangely remote; I cannot somehow imagine being back in those situations. My life as an undergraduate, before I really had any long-term partners, seems still odder - so chaotic socially, and yet regimented by academic requirements. And then my life at my parents' house, before that, definitely is very remote - endless evenings and weekends of strange solitude with a guitar or a piece of paper. As for the life before I was 15, before that particular moment in France - that must have happened to a different person; I cannot, do not want to remember it at all.
Others seem to tell me how important their past lives are to them - they keep mementos, in their desk drawers or in their heads, to remind them of what was once significant. It is always hard for me to understand this attachment to the past that seems to threaten descent into a labyrinth of regret or yearning: what I did wrong; what I could have done instead.
I also find attachments to the future hard to understand; I am not an ambitious person, and am uninterested in reproduction. I like a line of Jeanette Winterson's: something like "I don't want a reproduction; I want to make something completely new." But then, she always did like her puns. Perhaps I am just fixated on the present moment; everything else seems almost too vague to believe in.

Comments

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

I sort of know what you mean in a way; life can get so involved with the present or suddenly hit some kind of strange point etc etc that suddenly only the now seems to matter, or rather exist; as if you'd been dropped into that second with just faint echos in your mind from someone else's life grafted into your memory that somehow feel almost distant and artificial, a million miles away from who and what you are. Maybe trying to unthread them and mentally walk back from where you are now to where you were then and see how everything changed or evolved can help; to almost prove to yourself that the realities are the same and in fact it's you that has changed.
Or maybe you're just a replicant like the rest of us.

Re: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.

[vyvyan.livejournal.com]

If I'm a replicant, where are my superhuman abilities? Damn, I've been cheated...

sum of the parts?

[surje.livejournal.com]

Hm. I think that memories are overrated, photos especially. If you have a photo of an event, then you remember the photo, and lose all memories of the actual event. Also, why do I have all these objects in my house? When I get up in the morning, I have to put on clothes. Why did I buy these clothes? Why should I wear them just because it once seemed like a good idea to buy them?

Looking back at school, I have good specific memories, but overall the concept of each school I was at fills me with dread... ironically I enjoyed it at the time. Perspective can bring wisdom in looking back, but it also colours the original feelings and tempers them.

The worst memories of all are regret. I think that having a sense of the important events in your life that define how you react to things or behave is good, it's not too important to remember the details.

Shared experiences are good in friendships, but ultimately you need to keep having new shared experiences to continue having something in common (just having memories is not enough). Also, if you spend every second of your life with someone else, then you only have shared experiences, you can't talk about your life as you already know it all.

Re: sum of the parts?

[vyvyan.livejournal.com]

I agree with you about objects. I always feel uneasy about buying _things_ - I worry that I'll lose or break them, or just fail to make full use of them. If I buy a pint I can feel secure in the knowledge that I'm going to get full benefit from it straight away, and it won't hang around my room for months making me feel guilty for having got it.
Wrt memories, and their destruction by photos, I think a similar thing happens if you relate an incident several times to people, as an amusing or bizarre anecdote. Gradually, you forget the original incident and only remember the anecdote. Particularly amusing is when you find somebody else with an anecdote about the same incident, and discover that their anecdote is subtly different in factual detail; but since neither of you remembers the incident itself any more, there's no way to tell whose anecdote is closer to reality!

Re: sum of the parts?

[surje.livejournal.com]

Saw a film called "Following" the other night (by the guy who did Memento). There's a burglar who says that he deliberately takes things that people care about and find valuable, so that they realise how much the things meant to them. Also, try to imagine what it would be like if you lost everything in a fire, but could get it all replaced (updated and new!) from insurance... what would you replace, and what would be irreplacable?