(no subject)

[vyvyanx]

Why do I feel so strangely bleak? I read a couple of stories D wrote on a local writers' list; the second one was apparently about the state of his mind, in a metaphorical way. I barely understood what it meant, what he meant by it. Some parts, I wondered whether they referred to our relationship (the nature of communication, for example), and I even wondered if one character in the story corresponded to me. But it probably wasn't; it was probably his first girlfriend, or someone I don't even know. Why should I imagine that I in particular meant anything to him? I never really knew what he meant, or thought, or wanted; I don't think he ever knew much about me either, and I'm not sure it was that important to him anyway.
Why do I care? It's not like I regret some course of action I took; I don't regret breaking up with him; I don't regret getting together with him in the first place; I don't regret the year we lived together, difficult though it was. I don't think there were other, obviously better courses of action we could have taken at the time. Perhaps, what I regret, is that I never had a moment of insight into him; I never really knew what was going on in his mind at all.
How strange it all is. How strange life is.

Comments

Story

[kaet.livejournal.com]

Yes it was about the trouble I have communicating, particularly in relationships, and particularly in our relationship (it being the most recent). No the swimmer wasn't you, it wasn't any earlier girlfriend either, it was just things I don't understand. Why it was a female swimmer is a whole complicated thing going back to way back when. She was swimming because it was like the womb and heading west because it's into the future because the sun goes west. She was wearing a red one-piece swimsuit because the image of a random pinup popped into my head from when I was looking around the glueing machine a Belorussian carpet factory in 1991. That doesn't have any profundity associated, afaict. I'm sorry if the story upset you at all.

You meant a lot to me. I'm sorry if I didn't get to know you very well. I'm sorry you didn't get to know me. You were important to me. I'm sorry if I made you sad at the end and that I was difficult to live with. I know I am moody, I don't mean to be, lots of people have said that. I wish I had better ways of telling people what's going on in my head because few people understand, it seems to be different to how a lot of people work,that's why I try to write stories and draw. Perhaps I am ill? I haven't come close to representing it at all. Things I do that are accurate (like the second story) nobody understands, and things people like and understand aren't close.

Sorry I'm not going to things you're at. It's not to ignore you or slight you but because I'm upset about it still (not that I think it was wrong to end it, but just I feel sad about it). I try to be polite because I want to stay on good terms with you, but I sometimes find it hard to manage things.

In a year or so I hope things will be better.