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Dec. 17th, 2001 03:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vyvyanxSo, on Saturday evening spent a while installing my CD Rom drive in iguana. All apparently connected up right, jumpers set ok, power light on CD drive comes on, disk spins, soundcard working ok, but no sound comes out. Don't really know why. Couple of things I can check, however. mcv and G also said they could have a look at it. I'd rather do it myself though.
Then, rather later than intended, went to D's party. D himself opened the door; it's the first time I've actually seen or spoken to him since we broke up over two weeks ago. He said, "Hello!" in an apparently cheerful way, and we didn't really interact for the rest of the evening. I chatted a lot to M, J and mcv for a while; later, G arrived, and we mostly watched M play computer games. G was deeply impressed by the spec of M's computer. Later, G and M kept downloading amusing audio and video files to play. At last, G said he thought we should go and be sociable in the main room. But most people had left by then; the room contained my ex-ex I., sitting cuddled up with C (who dislikes me); my ex D, sitting cuddled up with C's housemate L, and me and M and G. Nobody said much, and I felt deeply uncomfortable. After a bit, people started making obvious "we really should go to bed" noises, so G and I left, and walked back the considerable distance to his house.
I got in a weird emotional state, but managed not to reveal it to G, as I think the reasons would have really bothered him. Felt that unaccountable desire to cut my wrists (not that I ever do).
On Sunday, lurked in bed for a while (G slept for ages). Then went out and got some stuff to eat from the One Stop in Chesterton, and sorted out new keyboard for G. We spent most of the day playing Starcraft. G taught me to roll cigarettes, which is quite amusing (not that I smoke them; I roll them and he smokes them). In the evening, G seemed morose for no particular reason, and this morning his mood persisted. I feel kind of morose myself.
The Fellow in college who is responsible for Title A Fellows has rung me up and wants to speak to me about my plans for the future. He's coming round tomorrow morning. I feel nervous; I don't have any plans. I've always known the next obvious step in my life (GCSEs, A levels, BA, MPhil, PhD, Research Fellowship) - but now what?
Read an interesting article this morning about soaring rates of Asperger's and autism among children in Silicon Valley, suggested to be caused by interbreeding amongst geeks. Some of the symptoms described for Asperger's remind me of myself. I do find it hard to read other people. I think that's why my relationship with I., my ex-ex, was so comparatively successful: he was honest and outspoken to a fault, so I always knew exactly what his motivations and feelings were, and he knew mine. With D, our verbal communication was absolutely minimal; the guy would hardly talk to me at all, and I was constantly convinced that I had done something to offend him. I never had any idea why he did things, how he thought, or what he wanted. I don't know whether he understood me either; perhaps he did, but just never commented on it. Oh, life is weird.
Then, rather later than intended, went to D's party. D himself opened the door; it's the first time I've actually seen or spoken to him since we broke up over two weeks ago. He said, "Hello!" in an apparently cheerful way, and we didn't really interact for the rest of the evening. I chatted a lot to M, J and mcv for a while; later, G arrived, and we mostly watched M play computer games. G was deeply impressed by the spec of M's computer. Later, G and M kept downloading amusing audio and video files to play. At last, G said he thought we should go and be sociable in the main room. But most people had left by then; the room contained my ex-ex I., sitting cuddled up with C (who dislikes me); my ex D, sitting cuddled up with C's housemate L, and me and M and G. Nobody said much, and I felt deeply uncomfortable. After a bit, people started making obvious "we really should go to bed" noises, so G and I left, and walked back the considerable distance to his house.
I got in a weird emotional state, but managed not to reveal it to G, as I think the reasons would have really bothered him. Felt that unaccountable desire to cut my wrists (not that I ever do).
On Sunday, lurked in bed for a while (G slept for ages). Then went out and got some stuff to eat from the One Stop in Chesterton, and sorted out new keyboard for G. We spent most of the day playing Starcraft. G taught me to roll cigarettes, which is quite amusing (not that I smoke them; I roll them and he smokes them). In the evening, G seemed morose for no particular reason, and this morning his mood persisted. I feel kind of morose myself.
The Fellow in college who is responsible for Title A Fellows has rung me up and wants to speak to me about my plans for the future. He's coming round tomorrow morning. I feel nervous; I don't have any plans. I've always known the next obvious step in my life (GCSEs, A levels, BA, MPhil, PhD, Research Fellowship) - but now what?
Read an interesting article this morning about soaring rates of Asperger's and autism among children in Silicon Valley, suggested to be caused by interbreeding amongst geeks. Some of the symptoms described for Asperger's remind me of myself. I do find it hard to read other people. I think that's why my relationship with I., my ex-ex, was so comparatively successful: he was honest and outspoken to a fault, so I always knew exactly what his motivations and feelings were, and he knew mine. With D, our verbal communication was absolutely minimal; the guy would hardly talk to me at all, and I was constantly convinced that I had done something to offend him. I never had any idea why he did things, how he thought, or what he wanted. I don't know whether he understood me either; perhaps he did, but just never commented on it. Oh, life is weird.
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I don't know what to say.
Date: 2002-03-22 08:27 pm (UTC)And I was brought up by a family from an agricultural area in a timewarp. Everything's quieter so you turn the volume up. You could see your best friend and just wave or nod as you pass them in the street. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It must have seemed like I didn't try, but I did. You're right, it did go all wrong, and it was mostly because of my problems, I think.
Re: I don't know what to say.
Date: 2002-03-23 09:43 am (UTC)